April 5, 2008

A Calvinist Prayer.....

I really wish I could take credit for coming up with this idea, but fellow believer and moral government preacher Jesse Morrell actually is the one I need to give credit to. I changed the prayer somewhat so to make it more general, but I saw this on Jesse's Theology Message Board and although it is satirical, it is indeed very effective. If you take the heresy of Calvinism to its most logical point this should really be the prayer Calvinist should be praying (and maybe they are?). But alas, Calvinist are always living totally inconsistent with their theology and this a tongue-in-cheek example of why Calvinism is so horrible and false.

"Oh, Father, I thank you that you didn't predestine me to believe in some doctrine other than Calvinism, like you predestined so many others . I thank you that you didn't predestine me to sin and go to hell like you predestined the majority of mankind to. I thank you for your limited grace, I thank you for your small mercy. I love the doctrine of Original Sin that you made us sinners in the womb, and that you send so many to hell for being what you made them. I love the doctrines of Total Depravity, that you command of us to do what you don't give us the ability to do, and threatening us with eternal hell for failure to perform the impossible. What marvelous grace! What blessed truth, that you cause us to sin (through your secret decrees and mysteries, ssshhh!) and then punish us for it! Thank you inventing so many evil atrocities such as rape, murder, and abortion just so in the end it will make us appreciate you more and it will somehow mysteriously bring more "glory" to you. Yes, we are unable to understand your ways, but hey you predestined us this way. In the end Lord, thank you for electing me and making me so very very very special. I just don't understand why everyone else doesn't rejoice at these blessed doctrines of Calvinism like I do? I guess they are all reprobates, and I'm just special. AMEN!

9 comments:

Jesse Morrell said...

Good post!

joeldad said...

Hey Preston,

I've been reading your blog for a few months now, and I check it everyday for new updates. Thanks for the great posts!

I'm on Jesse's board as well. Glad to see you there. :)

Kerrigan Skelly said...

Now that is GREAT SATIRE!

Preston N said...

THANKS Kerrigan! Glad you enjoyed it!

Onesimus said...

Thanks for this prayer.

I've found myself very closely confronted by Calvinism over the last year and have written a couple of things on my blog about this heresy.

Only a mind blinded by the devil could think that Calvinism's god is the God of the Bible. Calvin's god has more in common with Allah than with Yahweh.

D. L. Talley said...

An Arminian on his knees would pray desperately like a Calvinist. He cannot pray about free-will: there is no room for it. Fancy him praying,

"Lord, I thank thee I am not like those poor presumptuous Calvinists Lord, I was born with a glorious free-will; I was born with power by which I can turn to thee of myself; I have improved my grace. If everybody had done the same with their grace that I have, they might all have been saved. Lord, I know thou dost not make us willing if we are not willing ourselves. Thou givest grace to everybody; some do not improve it, but I do. There are many that will go to hell as much bought with the blood of Christ as I was; they had as much of the Holy Ghost given to them; they had as good a chance, and were as much blessed as I am. It was not thy grace that made us to differ; I know it did a great deal, still I turned the point; I made use of what was given me, and others did not-that is the difference between me and them."

That is a prayer for the devil, for nobody else would offer such a prayer as that.

Is that your prayer, Preston?

D. L. Talley said...

Reminds me of J.I Packer's Evangelism and the Soverignty of God. In it he argues that every Arminian is a calvinist in their prayers 1) They thank God for saving them (they would recoil at the thought of thanking God that they chose to be saved) 2) They ask God for protection (thus showing that they believe he is in control of things which they are not 3) They ask God for provision again demonstrating their utter dependance upon the Lord.

Great stuff! True born again Arminians are calvinists in their heart, its just their head they need to sort out!--John from Scotland

Andyboy said...

dear sir,

what are your sources for the inferences of this prayer. I am a calvinist and have conversed with many calvinists and have never encountered such thoughts or prayers as this post displays. In the name of "satire", every sentence of this prayer contains straw-man fallacies intended to mislead, except the part about being thankful for God choosing us wretches. Think reversely: Why would anyone pray, "God, I thank you that I have chosen you. I thank you that I have loved you. I thank you that I have done such and such."? God should thank us instead if these are true.

Andrew

Preston N said...

Andyboy

It seems you're like most Calvinist. Point out their logical inconsistencies and they stomp off in a huff saying under their breathe something about "Strawman".......

The truth is when a person is intellectually honest about the tenets of Calvinism (warts and all) this prayer then is the true logical consistency you end up with. No strawman here. If you don't like were your theology truly takes you, then you need to take a step back and re-examine why you believe in what you believe.